Thursday, November 21, 2013

Some Things Are Sacred

I don't ask for much in my house. Here's the list....

1.  Don't hit me with an emergency the moment I walk in the door. (Unless there's an intruder in the house or it's on fire) Give me thirty minutes.

2.  During football season, I own the TV when the games are on and everyone else needs to leave the room or shut up.

3.  When I go to bed, don't be loud.

4.  Do not try to save money on toilet paper.

That's it.

So, I come home the other day and had to go to the throne room. Upon finishing my business, I reach over to grab some toilet paper and it feels like sand paper in my hand. I could only imagine how it would feel where I commit the application of said paper. Further, it already had brown spots on it. I inspected further and it looked like bark. Like tree bark. I've heard of this before. A comedian was talking about this kind of toilet paper one time and he took a roll to his wife and said, "How do I know when I'm through?!" Exactly.

The purchase of this paper was an egregious transgression of Rule Number 4. In my mind, it ranks right up there with the Cuban Missile Crisis. At a time when Venezuela is suffering from a severe shortage of TT paper, why is this type not being sent to them by the freighter load? I mean, they don't like us anyway, so send them the bargain basement paper. They already have the red-ass about us, so let's make it redder. Right? Why do I have to suffer with this?

I immediately went to She Who Holds the Purse and registered my complaint. This included the following:

A.  I want velvet type construction put in to my TT paper.
B.  If possible, get some that has lotion in it and smells like a spring day among blooming Dogwoods.
C.  I want virgins singing outside my window from just dreaming about how it feels to the touch.
D.  I want the Number 2 experience to be in the top five of things that bring me pleasure.
E.  Buy TT Paper from a specialist boutique, not Wal-Mart, Sam's Club or any other bottom dollar establishment.

And finally,

F.  Never should I have to speak of this....again.

She Who Holds the Purse listened courteously as I laid out my complaint. I was, told....the paper would not be thrown out and it would be used according to its purpose until gone. But, I was then informed that allowances would be made concerning the comfort of my tuckus and no expense would be spared from that day forward where TT paper is concerned.

Some things are just too sacred to mess with. I'm glad we got that straightened out. Still, having a hard time sitting right now. Too much 'ruffage' I guess.

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