Monday, January 6, 2014

If You Believe Man Causes Global Warming?

Then I have some beachfront property in Arizona I'd like to interest you in. Right now we have the dreaded Polar Vortex screeching down from the North Pole as if Santa just had a bad sneeze. And guess what? Some scientists are blaming it on global warming. Somehow, there's a 'warm' mass over the arctic that somehow generates this fierce coldness that somehow whirls around like a hurricane...but it's not a's a vortex....stay with me here....there's a difference...and then it somehow splits in two, which a hurricane doesn't do but obviously a vortex does, even though the definition of  vortex in the dictionary doesn't mention this symbiotic osmosis cosmic amoeba-like splitting being a part of vortexian activity. Anyway, if it weren't for the 'warm' mass where there is nothing but ice, snow, polar bears and seals that somehow gets created in the cold, then we wouldn't be having all this freakishly cataclysmic bad news for all witches, well-diggers and brass monkeys that includes temperatures that only a penguin would like. And SOMEHOW, this 'freezing to the point of being ridiculous weather' is absolute verifiable proof, (in the minds of some of our greatest scientific minds) that we are in the midst of a crisis-like warming of the planet that will soon kill us all unless we start eating grass and stop driving fossil fuel driven cars and stop burning wood and stop our cows from farting and carry solar panels on our back all day so we can have enough energy to use our iPhones or iPads or whatever young people are hooked on these days. If it weren't so likely to irrevocably change the way we all live....which is in freedom from government oppression....then it might be laughable.  Here's why.

If you've never heard of the Medieval Warm Period, then shame on you. You weren't paying attention in school. This event occurred between 950 and 1250 AD. Now, back in those days we didn't have Channel 13's Meteorologist with his bright shiny teeth and his slicked back hair waving his hand over a computer generated map supplied to him by satellites. Plus, written records in those days are scarce to come by in these days, especially when it's just talking about the weather. Botanical studies, along with archeological finds that revealed abrupt and sustained diet changes among humans and animals, helped to determine conclusively that there was a warming period on Earth that lasted approximately three centuries. We also know that carbon fuel emissions from Hummer's and SUV's didn't cause it. Don't we? Let's hope so. If you go to 'Medieval Warm Period' on Wikipedia, you'll get a big laugh at the second paragraph. In that section, the writer speaks of how much the temperature went off the reservation of normality, and states conclusively that the highest temperatures during the Medieval Warm Period were not as warm as what we are experiencing now. Yet, the writer starts the paragraph off by saying, and I quote..."Despite substantial uncertainties....". WHAT? If there are substantial uncertainties in your data then you CANNOT unequivocally say that the temperatures of today are much warmer than back then. Scientists. You gotta love 'em. Of course, we don't know if a scientist wrote that or not. We have, however, proven he's a moron.

Right after the Medieval Warm Period, was the Little Ice Age. Please tell me you know about that. Yes, not long after the warm period there was a cold period that is referred to as the Little Ice Age. Temperatures were much cooler for several centuries, right up to around 1850. What's funny about this is where our brilliant scientists are as concerns what may have caused it. Pay attention. You're about to get an education.

The Little Ice Age, according to our 'experts', was potentially caused by...(drum roll)....

They don't know. It could have been caused by orbital cycles or decreased solar activity or increased volcanic activity or altered current flows or the inherent variability of global climate or reforestation following decreases in the human population or  WHO THE HELL FREAKIN' KNOWS???!!!

Don't you see the same rule applies here? At this time? On this date? They...don't...know. They will never know. What we DO know is that WE ain't causin' it. Notice one of the causes above? It says, 'the inherent variability of global climate...'. Well I'll be. The inherent variability of global climate. Bingo. They hit the nail on the head and weren't even tryin'. I salute them.

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