The new NFL rule is that once a running
back is three yards from the line of scrimmage, he can't use the crown of his
helmet to ward off potential tacklers. New brain science now suggests that we
need to ban boxing, hockey and soccer. Boxing due to the many blows to the head;
Hockey due to the many fights with blows to the head and 'checks' to the head;
and Soccer due to the use of the head to propel the ball. Yes, let's ban them
all. Ban, ban, ban, ban, banbanbanbanbanban.
Let's ban everything. I propose we ban
talking wives. It's been proven over the centuries their incessant nagging is
the reason husbands usually die FIRST! We need to ban everything that has the
slightest potential at harming even one human being. Ladders? Out. Bathtubs?
Out. Wall sockets? Out. Rope? Out. Tools of any kind? Out. Computers and the
internet? Out. Television? Out. Why? Because the other day a three year old girl
pulled one over on herself and died. Bicycles and tricycles and motorcycles?
OUT!!!!!
Then, of course, you have the usual
dangerous suspects that must be banned immediately. Cars, guns, bows and
arrows, crossbows and bolts, knives, swords, alcohol, tobacco, big gulps, baby
formula, airplanes, boats, and hot air balloons. Sugar, butter, bacon, steak,
mutton, fish, salt, eggs, cheese, and coffee all have to go. The National
Organization of Women claim that even consensual sex is a form of violence
against women, so out it goes. No more sex, except for male homosexuals. The
love of money is the root of all evil. OUT IT GOES.
All medication must be banned. Why? Have
you not heard the potential side effects of these things? Depression, watery
eyes, runny nose, anxiety, heart attack, kidney failure, liver implosion,
pancreas coming out your navel, anal leakage, bladder rupture, ear drum
explosions and erections lasting more than four hours. Who wants THAT?
Stairs must be banned. Dogs, horses,
cows, sheep, pigs, cats, snakes, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs and turtles can
no longer be kept as pets because each one comes with its own kind of danger. NO
more fishing!!!! Hooks in your finger and fins puncturing your hand mean germs
can enter your bloodstream and suck the life right out of you. NO more
hunting!!! Deer may antler you to death or you might fall out of your blind or
shoot yourself in the foot or get shot by someone who 'thought' you were a
deer.
Walking has to be banned. We must crawl
everywhere we go. Why? Because falls are one of the leading causes of injury and
death. If we crawl everywhere, we can't fall. Work must be banned. This is my
favorite. Work related accidents are off the charts. If we don't work, we can't
have work related accidents and we can all be safe. We'll starve...but we'll be
safe. We won't get hurt. Nobody should ever ever ever never get hurt. Ever.
Ever. Ever.
Ban friends, family, acquaintances,
girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives. How many people get hurt in
relationships? How many kill themselves or their significant other over
relationships gone bad? Ban all human interaction to keep this type of harm from
happening. Ban speaking to one another. Words HURT!!!!
Ban education and fire all the teachers.
One school won't have an Honors Night for over achieving students because 'it
would be devastating to the other students'. Hell yeah. Ban honoring those who
work hard, study hard and do all the right things to further their lives. Screw
'em. We can't have anybody hurt, even those who don't study, don't work hard,
don't care, and want to coast through life. It's all about being equal and not
getting hurt in any way, shape or form. I'm all for it.
Ban asteroids from hitting earth. Ban
global warming. Ban space junk. Ban comets. Ban swimming in salt water because
of sharks and fresh water swimming because of drownings. Ban peanut butter
because of allergies. Ban pollen. Ban lightning. Ban hurricanes, tornadoes and
any wind over ten miles an hour.
The government should make a four x four
foot box that is germ free and impervious to a direct hit by a nuclear
weapon...uh...BAN NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!!! These boxes should be in sufficient
quantity for every American, living or dead. Then, we all get in our boxes and
shut ourselves in so we can be safe. Somehow, nutritious and safe food and
water will have to be delivered to us, and our waste will somehow need to be
removed safely and processed to keep the environment safe. But, if we are all in
our own little, impervious box, then nothing bad can ever happen to us. Wouldn't
that be great?
I tell you...I would never have believed
this world could get this messed up in such a short amount of time as the few
years I've been alive. I have truly passed from the sublime into the ridiculous.
The inmates are indeed running the asylum. God help us all.
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