The Pinnacle of Travesties!!!!

When will it all end? I am a news hound. I love to watch the news on TV, listen to the news on my car radio and read the news on the internet. The problem I have these days is what passes as ‘real’ news. I saw a headline the other day that heralded the fact that Kim Kardashian’s baby bump is now showing. I don’t care. Who really does? The only thing I worry about is that poor kid being raised by whatever nanny this no-talent harlot hires.  

We are beset on all sides by tragedy and travesties. Benghazi-gate…Fast and Furious…Sandy Hook Elementary…Aurora Movie Theatre…100 car pile-ups on I-10…murders, rapes, burglaries, robberies, and it goes on. Old movie stars dying, young movie stars pontificating, middle of the road movie stars languishing….we’re told about them all. 

In fact, we are desensitized…almost…to everything and anything they report on these days. Taxes are higher, food is higher, gas is higher, unemployment is higher but it’s bound to get better. Did she lip-sync or didn’t she? Is he going to take away our guns or isn’t he? Is Feinstein really a woman or isn’t she? Should women go into combat or shouldn’t they? If they do, it will bring an entirely new meaning to the term ‘Foxhole’. Are the Republicans going to be destroyed or aren’t they? Will the Democrats take the House in 2014 or won’t they?  Soon, it all blobs together until you think John Kerry is going to be the Secretary of Defense and Hagel is going to be the Secretary of State and Obama is going to be selling ice cream from an ice cream truck. What??? Where did THAT come from? The Egyptians are getting F-16’s and we can’t have our AR-15’s and I want MY DAMNED AR-15!!!! The Moo-zlims are taking North Africa by storm, the North Koreans are going to nuke us, Japan and China are going to war and Mercedes has a Super Bowl ad that people are saying is too sexy for TV. Global Warming is a hoax and then it’s not, green energy costs too much but we’re going to do it anyway and America is going down the toilet with the rest of the goo but Bloomberg is worried about New Yorkers drinking too many BIG GULPS. Sheriffs across the country are letting the White House know they’re going to arrest Federal Agents while the Feds are more interested in arresting tax evaders than they are illegal immigrants. Afghanistan is going back to the dogs, Iraq never left the dogs, all the Arabs hate us and the Israelis don’t trust us. Europe is broke, Russia is in a mess and China has aspirations about taking over the world. North Korea, AGAIN…threatened war with South Korea and Malaysia is planning to have a Bible burning. Pakistan and India still hate each other and are rattling their nuclear sabres, while the pirates in Somalia are retiring from the business because they’re all multi-millionaires now and the ocean around their cracked up country is too dangerous to continue the trade. BUT…NEWS FLASH!!!! Tiger Woods is dating Lindsey Vonn, Danika Patrick has a new boyfriend and Michael Buble and his wife are expecting a baby. Who the hell is Michael Buble???? 

Then…THEN…to top it all off, comes the travesty to end all travesties. It is the veritable pinnacle of travesties. Yea, there can be no worse travesty than the one I am about to inform you of. When I saw this on the news, I went…”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” and fell to my knees in anguish, sobbing like a child who just found out his diaper wasn’t organic. Some things used to be sacred, ya know? There was a time when you didn’t change some things and you let tradition live on, regardless of the cost or the negative impact and consequences. But, not today. No, in today’s society you can’t allow what’s best in the world, what’s good, pure and beneficial to planetary peace go on without change. When I saw this on the news, I was fully aware at that moment the world..as we have known it…would soon end. The Lingerie Football League will no longer wear….I can’t hardly continue with these tears in my eyes….LINGERIE!!!!! 

Why even have a man-cave in your home if you can’t watch scantily clad women play football? Why even watch women play football if you can’t see all their jiggly parts…jiggling…as they run with the ball? What sense does it make to cover them up? They aren’t popular because they rush a hundred yards a game or sprint the 40 in 4.1. They’re popular because THEY’RE WEARIN’ FRIKKIN’ LINGERIE!!!!!  Any idea why men like to watch a catfight…(a term used by us Neanderthals to indicate two women fighting)? Because they tear each other’s clothes off and we get to see their jiggly parts jiggling…sometimes without any covering at all. It’s a gas gas gas. Ya know? 

And now, they’ve gone and ruined it for all of us who still have that animalistic desire to see near naked women grunt and grind and hit and jiggle, all without having to endure listening to them talk afterward. It was a win-win!!! 

So, that’s it for me with the news watching. I can’t think of anything more horrid than this…but what if it were to happen? What if…heaven forbid…a future headline like this were to be splashed on newspapers and internet sites around the country? What would we do then? What…would…we…do? 

KIM KARDASHIAN ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!  

If the Lingerie Football League change can happen….anything is possible. Be afraid my friends. Be very afraid.