Friday, September 7, 2012

Smorgasbord Friday

Two fishermen on Lake Ontario discovered a floating suitcase and brought it to shore. Inside was the severely decomposed torso of a dismembered woman. One of the officers said they had been finding a lot of dismembered remains in the area of late. My suggestion is to stay away from Lake Ontario.

A Houston man...naked....tried to break into someone's home last week. As most of us would do, the homeowner grabbed his trusty shotgun and blasted the intruder, sending him on his way. The bleeding man ran to his car...still naked...and sat inside of it and probably screaming in pain and calling for his mommy. It wasn't long until the police arrived, and ordered the naked, bleeding, screaming, would-be burglar to come out of the car. Well, he did. And he decided to come out fighting. In about one nano-second, the gentleman was tased with 50,000 volts of electricity. Normal people would then say, "Okay, I think I've had enough." But not our Naked Burglar Guy. He keeps on fighting. From what I understand, it took about four, big, burly Houston coppers to physically subdue the man. He is now in the hospital having shotgun pellets plucked from his body with tweezers. I hope they're doing it without anesthia.

In another part of the world, four burglars broke into a home in Leicester, England. The homeowner, thinking he lived in Texas where you can do such things, grabbed his shotgun and blasted two of them. Both of the wounded men ran away. The unwounded men decided that was a good idea and also ran away. The men who were shot immediately went to the hospital bleeding, screaming in pain, and most likely calling for their mommies. All four were eventually arrested and charged with burglary. The sticking point in the story is that in England you can't 'stand your ground' or even fight back to protect your property, much less your life, when someone is breaking into your house. The husband and wife who fought back against these four, upstanding young citizens....were arrested for causing grievous bodily harm. Go figure.

An 83 year old woman was swimming in a Wisconsin lake. Why, I don't know and am glad I wasn't around to see it. Anyway, a beaver decided that 83 year old women should not be swimming in his lake and began to attack her. It bit and clawed at her all the way back to shore, causing severe injuries to the old bird. A bystander grabbed a stick once she made it to shore and began to beat the beaver. The beaver took umbrage with this and attacked the stick wielder. Luckily, the man was able to steer clear of the large teeth on this tree killer/dam maker, and it was finally subdued and killed. The 83 year old woman will now have to submit to several shots as it was discovered the Mad Beaver was just that...rabid. She did say one thing that I think will please those who live around that area. She advised reporters that she was never going to swim in that lake again. Thank God.

The Dallas Cowboys played the New York Giants in the first football game of the 2012 season. Dallas won 24-17. I hate Dallas.

The Party conventions are over. YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Drew Peterson, the one-time Chicago police officer, was found guilty in the death of his third wife. His first wife was Carol Brown, his high school sweetheart. She divorced him after learning of his infedility. Victoria Connolly was his second wife who has alleged, with corroboration from her daughters, that Peterson phyically abused her during their ten year marriage. Kathleen Savio was his third wife. They found her in a dry bathtub with blunt force trauma to the head. When his fourth wife, Stacey Peterson, went missing, they dug poor old Kathleen Savio up and took a closer look, deeming her death a homocide. Now, they don't have much more than hearsay evidence against this pillar of society, and I don't know how they got a conviction. But, you ladies out there need to be a little more discerning when selecting a man. Look into his background. Don't go missing or be found dead in a bathtub simply because you're lonely. Loneliness is better than death. At least, that's what some living people tell me.

Are you tired and lonely in that itty bitty cell in a prison somewhere in Texas. Well, don't you worry about it. If you're white...hate all non-whites...have no compunctions about committing murder, dealing drugs, or any other crime apart from child molesting and rape (those are two BIG no-no's), then all you have to do is fill out your Form 12 application to join the Aryan Brotherhood. That's right folks, you have to let the leaders of this gang that permeates the Texas Prison System in on all your past bad deeds. If you're bad enough, evil enough, tough enough and know how to take orders without hesitation, then you're the kind of guy they are looking for. Oh, and by the way, once you're can't get out. Membership acceptance is for life. Isn't it good to know that these people in our prisons are doing all they can to be rehabilitated so they can flawlessly enter society again once they are released? Just kind of makes you feel good all over. Doesn't it?

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