If I Were Running For President in 2016

I'm thinking about announcing my candidacy for President of the United States concerning the 2016 elections. If I do, I will be running as an independent. Since our presidential campaigns last about 3.9 years...almost right after the inauguration...I'll have to announce sometime in March, 2013. I would like to know who would be willing to donate to my effort early on, to see what kind of chance I could have to put up blistering TV, Radio, and Newspaper attack ads on whoever wins this November. So, feel free to let me know if you're on board.

Now, I know that first you will have to be informed about my platform. You, the voter, should have every right to know where I stand on the issues. Unlike all other potential candidates before me, I will offer specifics about my position on several, important questions that need answers as our nation continues its march as the greatest country that has ever existed on the planet....bar none. So, here goes with my top 25 platform planks.

First, the economy. I support it.
Second, the military. I support our troops.
Third, jobs. Yes.
Fourth, taxes. I'll get back to you.
Fifth, the poor. We need the poor so we can have a scale with which to compare the rich.
Sixth, crime. It's bad.
Seventh, infrastructure. I need to study that. I don't know what it means.
Eighth, foreign policy. All foreigners should be policed.
Ninth, trade. I believe, as our forefathers, that we should continue our trade with the Indians.
Tenth, women's rights. Since they already believe they are right...all the time...I have no stance.
Eleventh, equal pay. Are you kidding?
Twelfth, energy. I fully support 5-Hour Energy and will subsidize it with your tax dollars.
Thirteenth, health care. I will import more doctors from India so each of you will have your own personal physician living with you 24 hours a day.
Fourteenth, immigration. All fences in existence on our borders will be electrified with 1 million volts. Further, a fence will be built around California to keep them in. Those that have already escaped we will round up and deport back to California.
Fifteenth, gun control. Are you serious?
Sixteenth, legalization of marijuana. Like...WOW man. Of course.
Seventeenth, prostitution. A time honored profession that needs to be taxed.
Eighteenth, labor laws. I'm against laws that force people into labor. We need less labored people!
Nineteenth, teachers. All teachers must become conservative or die.
Twentieth, entitlements. All Hollywood movies must have Government approved movie titles.
Twenty-first, education. I'm all for it.
Twenty-second, environment. I have a plan for Global cooling and for the lifetime incarceration of Al Gore.
Twenty-third, the Supreme Court. I will appoint only good looking women, regardless of political ideology, and make them wear mini-robes. Red ones. With slits up to their hip. And garters...can't forget the garters...WITH fishnet stockings and spike heels. As you can tell, I put a lot of thought into this one.
Twenty-fourth, agriculture. DDT! DDT! DDT!
Twenty-fifth, terrorism. It terrifies me and I will do all I can to not hide under the desk in the Oval Office while terrorism still exists.

So, there you have it. My top 25 platform planks to initiate my run for the White House. I would appreciate your vote and...most importantly...your tax deductible campaign donations.