Friday, October 5, 2012

Smorgasbord Friday

A Nebraska man was arrested earlier this week for 'allegedly' assaulting his wife. Now, that's not really news. Husbands assault their wives all over this country, every single day. Sometimes, wives assault their husbands. Spousal assaults are common. What is uncommon about the case is this particular man attacked his wife 'allegedly' with a most heinous weapon. A sandwich. The woman called 911 and told the dispatcher that her husband pushed her down and rubbed a sandwich in her face. The report doesn't detail what the ingredients were in the sandwich, but investigating officers found lunch meat on the floor of the hall and pieces of bread in the bedroom. Stay tuned as Nebraska prosecutors will most likely seek the death penalty for this one.

A 70 year old, unregistered sex offender, abducted a 15 year old girl in Channelview, Texas and tried to tie her up on his RV. Fortunately, the girl escaped and was able to call police. Upon arrival at the trailer park, they arrested the man for kidnapping and attempted sexual assault. What makes this story interesting is a couple of things. First, that a 70 year old man still has enough fire in his loins to attempt such a thing. Secondly, and most important, is that neighbors of the trailer park said they were shocked to know that a sexual predator had been living next to them for the last six months. I don't know why they were shocked. After all, you wouldn't expect anything but classy people to be living at The Skunk Hill Trailer Park in Channelview, Texas. I kid you not.

Screen shots of Kristen Stewart topless have been leaked. OH THE HUMANITY!!!! Why is this news?

Khloe Kardashian is pregnant. Why are we letting these people breed????

Patrick Gallagher of Philadelphia, was at his bachelor's party at a strip club. He was invited on stage to lie down and allow a stripper to slowly float down the pole and land on him, seductively. Things didn't go as planned. The stripper lost her grip and slid down too fast, landing on Mr. Gallagher so hard that it ruptured his bladder. The man required surgery and is now suing the strip club. No word on what the future (former?) soon to be or not Mrs. Gallagher had to say about it all. My advice? When you go to a strip club, pick one that doesn't have fat strippers. Or, don't go into those places at all.

Vince Young, the darling of the National Champion University of Texas and high draft pick of the Tennessee Titans; former Eagles and Bills player, went through $30 million dollars in three years. He is now flat broke and looking for a job. What an idiot.

The Houston Texans are 4-0 for the first time in their history. Never has a Houston NFL franchise started out a season at 4-0. Gary Kubiak should kiss Wade Phillips' naked butt, in front of the crowd, at every home game this year. If not for Bum's kid, Kubiak would still be languishing with this franchise. He's that bad of a head coach.

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